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puredragon
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Name: tsk tsk
Gender: Male
Interests: minimalization of effort, maximization of efficiency. languages (japanese, korean, c), conversing, having a good clean time. hand-to-hand combat, verbal combat. poetry, song, other expressions of the soul. anime, manga, a few movies, any good story. badminton, ping-pong. food. lots. finding love, loving finds.
Expertise: losing expertise in all related areas (currently). being a fool and realizing yet something else needs to be given up to the Lord.
Occupation: grad student. should change so
Industry: Actuary
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  tontetsu
MSN: maigudeni@hotmail.com
ICQ:  4074933
Yahoo:  maigudeni@yahoo.com
Jabber: puredragon@gmail.com
Member Since:
1/13/2002
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| [Now playing: For Your Pieces - Alstroemeria Records feat. 三澤秋]
Highlights from Golden Corral.
For those of you who don't know (and I imagine that's most), Golden Corral is an "American" buffet-type place. The website lists the kind of stuff they dish out.
Today, having gotten the day off to study for my Monday exam (like that's happening :p), I decided to try it out. You may enjoy the notes that result.
- Was awfully full for 1:30pm on a Friday.
- The customer base made me feel like I had been thrown back to the 50s - I'd say 90-95% old Caucasian folk, with a smattering of Africans and a smaller amount of younger white people. I was the only Asian, as to be expected. The staff was almost entirely Hispanic.
- For however enthusiastically people were tearing into the food, I couldn't bring myself to continue eating for long. It's not a bad idea at some points (Swedish meatballs, sammiches off the grill, carved roast beef) but what really got me was... just how poor the execution was. On top of that, I'm getting a salt headache - meaning the stuff was salted like mad to try to draw out whatever flavor it may have had.
- If you're going to call a cheesecake New York style, do try to not make it using spoiled dairy. If you're going to make cheesecake, period, try not to make it using spoiled dairy.
- As to be expected, anything deep-fried was reliable.
- Surprisingly lots of little kids running around for a school day.
- I do enjoy people's speech habits. I overheard an exchange between a customer and a waitress where they called each other "sweetie" every sentence for about two minutes. "Could I get some ice tea, sweetie?" "Sure, sweetie. How much?" etc.
- The only flavor working on the soft-serve ice cream was vanilla... and no one seemed to care but me.
- On the way out, I was behind this family, whose kids loved to run ahead and push all the doors open. After the parents walked out, I followed suit - and this one little boy was still holding the door open, so I just said "thanks, little guy." The father looked at the boy and then said, I quote: "Okay, now you say gracias."
Apparently, I'm now of South American origin too.
I just blinked and started walking away, but the dad kept telling the kid "c'mon, say gracias." If anything, I suspect the kid knew better than his old man.
Anyway, I thought about this a bit on the drive back home, and thought to put it up. Enjoy?
-- i really think i'm becoming more and more asian. ha ha, yes, i'm korean, but just the way i'm behaving and thinking is apparently more traditional asian. even the last get-together i had, people were like "man, you've got a ton of stuff ready... so traditional."
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| [Now playing: 凛 - marble]
First loves/a dichotomy.
Badminton is coming back to me. The stupid in-game mistakes are less - the brilliant shots are more. The endurance, well, haha - that might be a while. But I'm waking up.
I had this whole entry written in my head on the way back from said sport, but I think a stop at McDonalds and catching up on political traveshamockery flushed it from my head. Oh well. It always sounds better the way I visualize it than how it comes out anyway.
The topic of first love. Yes, that kind of puppy-love-want-to-hold-hands-forever deal. I'm sure just about everybody has some bittersweet memories. (Or, if you're one of the lucky ones, it's not just time-worn memories.)
Maybe it's just because I'm more sensitive to this kinda stuff than most, but I caught myself by surprise today when I started to think back to her. Geez, that was what, over ten years ago? I guess it really is true - the first one really does get etched into your soul. (edit: yes, okay, technically she wasn't the very first one. if you know enough to raise that objection, you also know enough to know why i desperately wish the one before her didn't count.)
She was a Korean, preceding a long string of Chinese flings and failures. And I can tell you how she won me over - she didn't have sex appeal, or ridiculous cooking skills, or a tendency to fawn and spoil. It wasn't that she was a tremendous pianist (though I will admit that's how she got my attention, as I had gotten kinda used to steamrolling competitors at that point), or laughed at my bad jokes (that was well before my humor turned cynical).
What she did possess was incredible strength of character. Faith backed by actions. Determination and wisdom uncanny for someone our age. And, in that, I lost myself and found my world turned upside-down - for better and for worse (I still have only faint recollections of the summer after she left, and the misery that was - but that's for another time.)
I have to laugh now, but wow. I don't know if I ever held her hand, even. We were incredibly good friends, more like - my parents would basically kinda keep the only phone line in the house open between the time I came back from school and dinnertime. Yeah, I was a gabber then, and man did my ears hurt. The things we do for love. :p
After she disappeared, I embarked on a series of eminently horrible decisions and commitments that wound up costing me quite a bit as the years went on. I think it's probably best to leave it that way. I take full responsibility for essentially injuring and suppressing the hell outta myself, well into my years at Rochester - where I'm sure some people looked at me, then my older brother, and wondered what happened. :) Yeah, be grateful you guys got him first.
In some respects, I'm still looking for someone who exhibits some of those qualities. She now has the benefit of vague memory - I'm sure I've forgotten most of her negatives - but I won't deny that I still look for people like that. Show me someone who struggles with life and lives with a warm heart and solid foundation, and I'll take her over 36-24-36 any day. In fact, I would partially attribute that to why, despite sending and receiving romantic feelers throughout my undergrad time, I wound up taking the same girl to the big dance all four years.
Protip: guys do realize that eye candy doesn't last. In fact, neither of the ladies I mentioned here were lookers, or particularly fashionable (at least imo) - but they were living, not merely alive. And that's hot.
...I wonder how she's doing. (Which one? Why not both?) I'm pretty sure she's up to her ears in life, and doing pretty good for it. One of these days, I really should just track her down and... sit her down and talk. Cafe, couple of hours, just catch up on each other's lives. Lots to say? Little to say? Who knows.
I don't have any regrets about the past, in this regard, and I'm grateful - things were set in motion to affect radical change which I sorely needed - but there's just some people you don't forget.
On to the dichotomy. I've ranted about the need to actually utilize the gray spongy matter occupying your skull, time and time again - how people are sometimes directionless and more than willing to have things imposed on them by the next loud thing that comes around, etc. That doesn't bear repeating in this context.
But something my boss (great guy, BTW) said not too long ago stuck with me, and I don't want him to regret saying it... but I think he will, as it relates to me and the work I'm doing for the department.
(paraphrase) "It's exactly those decisions with rational basis and logical foundation that sometimes turn out to be the worst decisions of your life."
I grant, here and now, that part of the reason why I press the topic of independence from external influences (being your own person) is that I only really understand its importance in the context of having had a lot of things pressed upon me. Though no fault of anyone but myself, I'm still fairly directionless and non-self-motivating to this day, and I also grant that the directional laziness of having a boss and steady work is really comforting.
But it's precisely that - by trying to think (overthink) major decisions, probably along the lines of "okay, let's be realistic, what's really good/safe/helpful for me" - that we expose ourselves to making horrible ones. I wonder if he caught my sudden change of facial expression or not when he said that, because it was one of those light-bulb moments.
In my case, I realized I tend to favor material/emotional security over happiness/desire/fulfillment, the longer I thought about something. Was it due to wealth issues at a young age? Maybe. I'll let the psychiatrists debate that one.
The trend is fairly overwhelming, though. When I ultimately choose a secure cash flow over trying to go where I think I ought to be, I gain nothing in the end. When I've chosen to shut up and listen, I've had no guarantees of anything... but I've never been lacking, AND to this day I still approve of all the decisions that fit that mold.
Being stranded in Beijing is nobody's idea of a good time, but if I knew that was gonna happen? I'd still have basically shipped myself off against my parents' wishes anyway.
So, I guess, here it is. The conscious mind is great, because it is less prone to habitual patterning and more resistant to casual influence. Hence, why I think more people should actually engage it. But - the self you do not directly control - your unconscious mind is faster, processes information much better, and is much more likely to be honest with you... and with God.
Far be it from me to discount the worth of interjecting sense in the decision process. But, sometimes - when a part of you answers out of nowhere, in ways you don't expect - sometimes that voice is worth listening to. Sometimes that voice needs to be prioritized. Because sometimes, that voice is right.
-- as to why my boss would regret it, well. it won't change eventual outcomes had he not said it, but let me just say that i don't think many people in the office have the time, inclination, or ability to devise what i've had to. it's kind of fun doing the impossible.
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| [Now playing: Underbar Truth - YDK]
RIP Prof. Randy Pausch.
I mean, the metaphor I've used is ... somebody's
going to push my family off a cliff pretty soon, and I won't be there
to catch them. And that breaks my heart. But I have some time to sew
some nets to cushion the fall. So, I can curl up in a ball and cry, or
I can get to work on the nets.
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8201478015841155798&q=randy+pausch&ei=vuuJSMe9FaCCqgOkv_2hCA
If you don't know who he is.
My parents got me his book, and I initially remember thinking it was probably just another thing they wanted me to do to expand my horizons, blah blah.
How right they were.
As morbid as it may be, death is never far from my mind. I've been there once, and it's colored my life perception ever since. (Not cancer, thankfully... but the whole story, I think, will have to stay with my parents.) I have to wonder if that's a factor in explaining why I do what I do.
And, I fear, it's precisely when I have my moments to aspire to be normal - to not run off to China for a year, to just accept the office lifestyle for the next fifty years - that I forget I cannot lay claim to normalcy, ever.
Then, guys like him come along, and it's like a bucket of water to the face... followed by a bucket to the head. I write and whine and ponder, but guys like him? They're out there, living. He found his way and walked the path.
He was alive. Far better than I can say for most.
And what am I doing? Chasing money? Revolving around empty pursuits? Sacrificing what matters in the end for what doesn't?
Don't get me wrong - lots of money would be great. But to what extent wealth? Having life is a wonderful, dreadful, mysterious gift. Have I really spent so much of my life selling myself out for the illusion of material security?
Is the reason why I have trouble trusting and believing people simply because I'm too scared to trust and believe myself? Is that why I've repeatedly walked away from what I really ought to have been doing, and found myself here?
Which is it that wakes me up at night? Not having the money to have things, or not having the courage to actually live? I think I know the answer, and it simultaneously relieves me and irks the hell outta me.
My prayers are with his family. I genuinely believe he knew what he was doing, what he was talking about (impending doom often brings out great wisdom and perspective)... and I'm one of the types of people he was looking to reach.
Unless it's another head fake.
On a parting note, I've got this scene stuck in my head. Bonus points if you can identify where it came from.
Boy steps on to train, waits to head off to his destiny.
Peers out window, sees girl who he fell for searching outside.
Boy calls for her, heads to train door.
Girl hands him package, wishes him well.
Boy stays at door window as train takes off.
Girl starts running after train, stopped by end of platform.
Boy sits down and opens package.
It's a seven-layer sandwich.
Each piece of bread is held together with honey.
And in the middle of each layer
is a single four-leaf clover.
- boy weeps as he heads to the future
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| [Now playing: Wind's Believer - Misato]
The worth of a man's life.
Would you believe that a person's life is worth nearly one million dollars less than it was years ago? How's that now, you say. Go find the government study. :)
But that's not why I'm posting. I just realized something, and wanted to make sure I left it here for posterity (I tend to reread my entries from time to time).
The trend has become overwhelming, and so I need to embrace it - everything I've liked doing, loved doing, has really been about moving people. Yeah, I've got a head for numbers and nerdiness (I'd like to think it was environment, not heredity :p), but...
...it's weird. I have this spontaneous orchestra inside me. Honestly. Sometimes I'll just be doing whatever, and all of a sudden, I'll hear music. Nothing I've ever heard before, but hey, sounds pretty good, so I sit there and keep listening.
And all this time, I've thought two things: 1) if only I could write this down, and 2) if only other people could hear it.
It's #2, I think, that's driven me to do some fun stuff. Like acting. I had a blast being a teacher in various contexts. And, you know, reflecting on it - it really does take passion and desire to sit there for months, translating books of comics a week at a time (full-time hours, basically) for no compensation. I still love my karaoke. Who remembers my high school years of horrid poetry?
So what brought this on? The other day, I discovered I could actually (though weakly) control this orchestra. I've been able to think "okay, now what if this were a little more jazzlike..." and, voila. sax in head. (Not sax through head. Painful.) For those of you who know my memory and music, I can assure you I've never heard these pieces before, but I'm beginning to want to get them out there in the world.
...i think something along those lines is going to be my real future. actuary is good money, and not bad, but... i think i need to express. i need to be free. and unfortunately, freedom is not free. maybe this is why i've quietly adored people who had the courage to make things like movies and music their career.
maybe it's because i've spent so much of my life trying to kill my own sense of self. this is your measure. fall short and perish. you've got everyone else to take care of. no time for being happy or sad. maybe.
there's an certain inexplicable joy in being a part of something that gets through to people's hearts. and i'm beginning to understand something - it's great to be compensated well for numerical magic - but that won't bring me to the place i really need to be.
and whoa, deja vu. i've been getting quite a lot of that lately. i've seen a lot of things in dreams manifesting themselves lately.
i'm an actuary now. but wait and see what that becomes.
-- and now, to express myself through badminton. DID YOU KNOW: a badminton shuttlecock can achieve speeds over 200mph?
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| [Now playing: some piano piece]
Blatantly stolen from Slashdot.
First they came for the game crackers,
and I did not speak up because I did not play games Then they came for the pornographers,
and I did not speak up because I did not view porn Then they came first for the spammers,
and I did not speak up because I was not a spammer First they came for the music pirates
and I did not speak up because I was not a pirate Then they came for me,
and by that time there was no fair-use left.
stop italics, stopppppppppppppp
Welcome back, habeas corpus. And I've definitely revised my political views in the years since I last went on such a binge here. -- rant erased | | |
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First they came for the game crackers,
and I did not speak up because I did not play games
Then they came for the pornographers,
and I did not speak up because I did not view porn
Then they came first for the spammers,
and I did not speak up because I was not a spammer
First they came for the music pirates
and I did not speak up because I was not a pirate
Then they came for me,
and by that time there was no fair-use left.
Welcome back, habeas corpus.
And I've definitely revised my political views in the years since I last went on such a binge here.
-- rant erased