| | [Now playing: Wind's Believer - Misato]
The worth of a man's life.
Would you believe that a person's life is worth nearly one million dollars less than it was years ago? How's that now, you say. Go find the government study. :)
But that's not why I'm posting. I just realized something, and wanted to make sure I left it here for posterity (I tend to reread my entries from time to time).
The trend has become overwhelming, and so I need to embrace it - everything I've liked doing, loved doing, has really been about moving people. Yeah, I've got a head for numbers and nerdiness (I'd like to think it was environment, not heredity :p), but...
...it's weird. I have this spontaneous orchestra inside me. Honestly. Sometimes I'll just be doing whatever, and all of a sudden, I'll hear music. Nothing I've ever heard before, but hey, sounds pretty good, so I sit there and keep listening.
And all this time, I've thought two things: 1) if only I could write this down, and 2) if only other people could hear it.
It's #2, I think, that's driven me to do some fun stuff. Like acting. I had a blast being a teacher in various contexts. And, you know, reflecting on it - it really does take passion and desire to sit there for months, translating books of comics a week at a time (full-time hours, basically) for no compensation. I still love my karaoke. Who remembers my high school years of horrid poetry?
So what brought this on? The other day, I discovered I could actually (though weakly) control this orchestra. I've been able to think "okay, now what if this were a little more jazzlike..." and, voila. sax in head. (Not sax through head. Painful.) For those of you who know my memory and music, I can assure you I've never heard these pieces before, but I'm beginning to want to get them out there in the world.
...i think something along those lines is going to be my real future. actuary is good money, and not bad, but... i think i need to express. i need to be free. and unfortunately, freedom is not free. maybe this is why i've quietly adored people who had the courage to make things like movies and music their career.
maybe it's because i've spent so much of my life trying to kill my own sense of self. this is your measure. fall short and perish. you've got everyone else to take care of. no time for being happy or sad. maybe.
there's an certain inexplicable joy in being a part of something that gets through to people's hearts. and i'm beginning to understand something - it's great to be compensated well for numerical magic - but that won't bring me to the place i really need to be.
and whoa, deja vu. i've been getting quite a lot of that lately. i've seen a lot of things in dreams manifesting themselves lately.
i'm an actuary now. but wait and see what that becomes.
-- and now, to express myself through badminton. DID YOU KNOW: a badminton shuttlecock can achieve speeds over 200mph?
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| | Posted 7/18/2008 7:29 PM - 14 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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